eighteen

So, yes. In a few minutes I'll be turning eighteen.
I don't like the fact of growing old.
I feel like every day is dull and pages are a big blank, empty spaces I should be filling but I just don't even know how to.
As always, I'm listening to The 1975. Realising I'm not longer going to be that seventeen years-old-girl they sing about.
I'm somehow numb to fear. But fear is still real.
Everything is real.
Everything is gaining a different perspective and I kind of like that, to be honest.
But sometimes I don't. Sometimes those new perspectives are harsh and hard and I find myself being more sensible than usual.
And everything is so fucking real. So true. Reality has crystallized in front of my eyes.
University, having a job, thinking and trying to believe.
Everything is so different now.
A year ago I was devastated. Totally, completely and miserably devastated.

To my seventeen-years-old me: you had a hell of a good year. Sometimes uncertain and a little hard. But amazing. You have changed. You have grown so much. You have been challenged every single day.  And you have made it through. And I'm fucking proud of you.
A year ago you thought of youself as a lost case. Useless. Insignificant. But this year you had the chance to show and prove to yourself and others that you are actually amazing and that you just did not have a way to prove it before. You nailed it.
Keep on keeping on and go ahead. Go get what you want. Go get what you need. Do more. Explore more. Become the person you have always wanted to be. Be you. Believe. DO NOT GIVE UP BELIEVING.
Try your best every day. Wake up each morning believing. Be thankful. Respect others. Learn. Learn a lot. Learn from everyone and from everything. Tell people how you feel about them and why you appreciate them. Remember to be kind and to help other. Never lose your smile: it's your lucky charm. It actually works wonders, Michelle. Remember that.

I do not want to age. I do not want to grow. I do not want to lose everything. I do not want to become someone I always hated. I do not want to stop enjoying good music and just stop closing my eyes and never get lost in it again, I do not want to miss out on life. I do not want to waste my time. I want to do great things. I want to love deeply. I want to care. I want to help. I want to create. I want to do. I truly want to do. I want to move foward. I want to be me. I want to explore. I want to explore places and bodies. I want to explore minds. I want to explore realities. I want to read. Books and minds. And emotions. And people's eyes too. I want to be loved. I want to be that person some nice guy cares about and falls in love with. I want to kiss someone. I want to hug someone. I want to go swim in the middle of the night. I want to meet random strangers. I want to develop enough confidence to do things people usually do not do. I want to become a better person. I want to speak. I want to open up to someone else. I want someone to get to know me. I want someone to dedicate songs to. I want someone to be with. I want someone to get lost with.