The devil.

Things weren't that bad at first.
Every night the devil would come and sing me a lullaby.
Every night I would stare into his eyes and see how his mouth moved when he said "I love you"
I'd always hold my breath whenever I felt him near me.
To the point of almost physically feel rage flowing through my veins at the thought of his existance.
But, once again, things weren't that bad just yet.

Much later the devil started to like screaming.
Screaming and hitting.
Screaming and hitting and making others cry.
Screaming against a pillow until my voice hoarse to let it all out.
That was my way to let anger go.
Always asking him to stop. But he did not.
But, once again, things weren't that bad just yet.

By the time I was six, the devil had a break down.
I remember getting into the car and rushing down to hospital.
I was just looking around, not really sure of what was going on.
It was not a regular hospital, where you see sick people.
Sick people looks alive.
In this hospital, patients didn't have a soul.
Empty eyes. Silent halls. White uniforms. Phone rings.
But, once again, things weren't that bad just yet.

The devil took a vacation.
A few weeks later he came back.
He had a sparkle in his eyes. But some cuts on his wrists.
I asked him how he got them, but he didn't really tell me.
He seemed happy.
I once heard him say that he had found reasons to live again.
I guess that's a good thing, isn't it?
But, once again, things weren't that bad just yet.

The day I turned ten the devil was mad at me for some reason.
He forgot my birthday and, that night he came home and screamed at me and tried to hit me.
But something stopped him.
He fell to the floor and started crying.
I don't want people to cry.
I don't want people to cry on my birthday.
But things weren't that bad just yet.

By the time I was thirteen, the devil and I didn't really talked anymore.
He was too busy with work.
I was too busy doing nothing.
I used to think I loved the devil,
but one day realised you don't love your family because they are your family,
but because they have earned you affection.
He used to shout at me, asking me for respect.
But I don't respect liars. Even less whe you lie to my face.
But once again, things weren't that bad just yet.

By the time I was fifteen, the devil and I, well… We would fight a lot.

He would shout and scream and say things that didn’t really make sense to me.

Until that night, when I was reading Fitzgerald, he came into my room

I’m leaving because I love myself enough not to try to love you.

Well, you know what, devil? I never forgot that night, or that book.

Or your hurtful words,

Or what you did to me and the rest of us,

But one day, I decided to kill the devil.

He was sleeping, I came close, and whispered in his ear

I love you, mom

He died instantly. 

What I wish someone had told me that night at 3:27 am

Honey, do not settle. Do not accept less than your deserve because your worth is upon the highest of stars and you should not take your own value for granted.

If he really loves you, you will notice.

You won't have a single doubt,

You won't cry alone after an argument in which he is not willing to giving in,

You will feel caressed without touch and words will gently take care of those wounds that have followed you like your shadow,

You will feel important and relevant,

You will have a time and a place in every opportunity he finds,

You will feel like the walls of a museum. He will look straight at you with the warmth of a million suns while reading your soul,

You will feel like the only woman in the room. His eyes will lock on .

You will feel like your voice is the most melodic sound that he has ever listened to,

You will feel like no one could ever make you become such a good version of yourself,

You will feel like you have the best person to turn to when you need an advice (and he's going to be right),

You won't feel like a lonely wanderer anymore because you will have someone to share the road with,

You will feel stars and galaxies being created at the feeling of his skin touching your skin, even if it's just a slight touch of hands,

You will feel his pride when he talks about you. With family, friends and random people he just met,

And, most importantly, you won't ever feel like living on a constant lie.

I took me a while to realize that love is an universal energy that moves us and this means that we share certain patterns when it comes to loving someone. This is important: It must be real, it must be sincere.

He can repeat himself a thousand times, not stopping once, and that wouldn't make it true.

It doesn't matter what he says to you when he is trying to win your heart, it doesn't matter how he acts at the begging. You just wait.

Wait until the honeymoon phase is over and you can clearly see that raw, ugly part of himself.

By then, you should already have him figured out a little bit.

Take a close look of him in each situation. Remember, always remember, the importance of attitude and gratitude.

Go be yourself and let go of that weight that is not letting you continue.

You are amazing, girl. Please, don't you ever forget that.

bitácora #1. 31/3/2016

Es mejor una frase sincera que un mar de palabras que ahogan su propia veracidad.


Es mejor un pequeño momento que meses y meses de vacía desesperación.


Es mejor ese nuevo perfecto desconocido que quién, a pesar del tiempo y supuesta la cercanía, aún permanece siendo un extraño, alguien ajeno.


Descubre la alegría que trae consigo mostrar vulnerabilidad a la persona adecuada.


Sé leal a ti misma. Avergonzarse de uno mismo es crear una cárcel dentro de sí, sólo para mostrar aquello que no es, que no se siente y que no se piensa.

what 2015 did to me

So, this year has been quite an experience.

This year has been pure fucking magic, honestly.

Everything is good, actually.

Everything is hard, and a little weird, but good.

Right now I’m so sick I can’t even talk and life is still good.

This year I learned so many things.

This year I just exploded in knowledge of all types and that is amazing.

2015 was probably the best year I’ve had in my entire life.

I started university, my mom moved out of the country, I turned 18, I fell in love, I met lots of new people, I became a totally new different person and I’m actually not loving it, but things can change and I have the power to do so, so I can’t complain about it.

Right now my life is in such a raw point that I could only describe it as a seed being planted. Plenty of them, in fact.

Plenty of dreams, plenty of hope, plenty of will power, plenty of vision, plenty of determination, plenty of change, plenty of growth.

This year I lost track of many things.

One of the things that I lost track of was purity and innocence.

I lost track of those. Reaming immaculate was not longer a thing to keep in mind.

It was just something I was afraid of. Like being afraid of what could be behind a door, or a wall.

It was real and deep fear of the unknown. It was fear of what it could be. It was fear of pain, of sadness, of gaining wisdom through some bad experiences that could literally change the course of my life.

I’m still afraid. I’m terrified. But I’m now dealing with fear by facing it.

I regret some things, I do not regret others.

I appreciate how things went out and how things have continued to be.

I realized that I’ve never been this young, hopeful and empowered ever before, and I’m totally ready to use it to take over this world.

This year I’ve probably been in my worst and best moments.

I’ve realized some dreams, and failed to succeed as well. But I’m fine with that. I’m fine with not being perfect and I’m perfectly fine with trying my hardest and still not getting the results I wanted. I know someday I’ll achieve all of my goals and they will be better than I expected.

And in the same way I learnt a few things about life and love, and even hating, I’ve also come to the realization that I need to learn a thing or two, or an infinite number of things. It depends on how you look at it.

I’m just grateful because I’m here. I’m alive, I’m healthy, I’m loved by myself and others, I’ve got food and clothes and I can change the world. And that’s awesome. I’m just a lady that’s still trying to figure out things a regular young adult should already know about him or herself but still doesn’t have a clue about, and I really hope that’s fine.

I’m just someone walking on Earth, trying to do the best thing I can do, trying to make the best decisions and trying not to fuck things up so bad.

I’m still figuring out how to understand my own mind and how to my body the way it is, and that’s hard but not impossible.

I’m still having dreams about NYC and Paris and travelling the world, and even if the years pass I can tell those dreams change. And, if they change, it’s because got more intense.

Life is good and you should be young and free and reckless and look for the good thing and do good things and stop complaining and worrying so badly.

When things get hard just hold on and cry when you’re overwhelmed but don’t you ever think you are alone or not loved at all.

You are unique, special, capable and freacking amazing. And that’s your essence. You are a smart-ass girl, and you like to know a few facts that no one knows.

You keep being you.

Because this world deserves to see your beauty unfold, grow and shine.

You are brave, girl. And live is for those who are brave enough to conquer their dreams.

So go ahead and conquer every single dream, every single project, every single little thing that you want to achieve.

Because, you, you can do it.

eighteen

So, yes. In a few minutes I'll be turning eighteen.
I don't like the fact of growing old.
I feel like every day is dull and pages are a big blank, empty spaces I should be filling but I just don't even know how to.
As always, I'm listening to The 1975. Realising I'm not longer going to be that seventeen years-old-girl they sing about.
I'm somehow numb to fear. But fear is still real.
Everything is real.
Everything is gaining a different perspective and I kind of like that, to be honest.
But sometimes I don't. Sometimes those new perspectives are harsh and hard and I find myself being more sensible than usual.
And everything is so fucking real. So true. Reality has crystallized in front of my eyes.
University, having a job, thinking and trying to believe.
Everything is so different now.
A year ago I was devastated. Totally, completely and miserably devastated.

To my seventeen-years-old me: you had a hell of a good year. Sometimes uncertain and a little hard. But amazing. You have changed. You have grown so much. You have been challenged every single day.  And you have made it through. And I'm fucking proud of you.
A year ago you thought of youself as a lost case. Useless. Insignificant. But this year you had the chance to show and prove to yourself and others that you are actually amazing and that you just did not have a way to prove it before. You nailed it.
Keep on keeping on and go ahead. Go get what you want. Go get what you need. Do more. Explore more. Become the person you have always wanted to be. Be you. Believe. DO NOT GIVE UP BELIEVING.
Try your best every day. Wake up each morning believing. Be thankful. Respect others. Learn. Learn a lot. Learn from everyone and from everything. Tell people how you feel about them and why you appreciate them. Remember to be kind and to help other. Never lose your smile: it's your lucky charm. It actually works wonders, Michelle. Remember that.

I do not want to age. I do not want to grow. I do not want to lose everything. I do not want to become someone I always hated. I do not want to stop enjoying good music and just stop closing my eyes and never get lost in it again, I do not want to miss out on life. I do not want to waste my time. I want to do great things. I want to love deeply. I want to care. I want to help. I want to create. I want to do. I truly want to do. I want to move foward. I want to be me. I want to explore. I want to explore places and bodies. I want to explore minds. I want to explore realities. I want to read. Books and minds. And emotions. And people's eyes too. I want to be loved. I want to be that person some nice guy cares about and falls in love with. I want to kiss someone. I want to hug someone. I want to go swim in the middle of the night. I want to meet random strangers. I want to develop enough confidence to do things people usually do not do. I want to become a better person. I want to speak. I want to open up to someone else. I want someone to get to know me. I want someone to dedicate songs to. I want someone to be with. I want someone to get lost with.

to you, in the castell next door

I, I listen to Chopin and read novels that would make you sick because of how romantic Romanticism can be.
You, you look like you are constantly wearing an invisible crown. So confident, such an amazing presence.
I, I work everyday to stay away from negativity.
You, you wake up everyday to an endless dream.
I, I get to see you from a far, knowing how dangerous you could be to me.
You, you get closer. Just like lions do when they look at their prey.
I, always too fast, too stressed.
You, hopeless.
I, knowing that everything you do to yourself it's just silent cry.
You, not knowing that I know.
I, too worried.
You, too cool.
I, such a hopeful girl. Thinking she will get the boy.
You, the golden boy, filling all my expectations.
I, too young but, certainly, not dumb,
You, probably too young for your own age.
I, worring about you like a mother would.
You, not even knowing I do.
Because addictions do that to you.
They make you and break you.
They cause you pain and, at times, they crown you king.

I certainly feel alone.
I fucking mean it.
I feel alone.
I feel like my life is being wasted because part of actually getting your story known is telling other about it.
When you share erverything grows. You grow. Everyone who's interested grow.
I want someone to hold.
I want someone to kiss.
I want someone to burst in flames for.
I want someone t hug.
I want someone to listen.
I want someone to talk to.
I want someone to walk with.
Because, remember... Life is a path. And nothing is sadder than walking alone.

cut me open

/ whenever I look into your eyes
 I fight the urge
to kiss you lips,
 to hold you hands
so breathe me in
 don't let me leave /

First.

It's been three years since the last time I had the chance to pretend to be in love. The thing is that I no longer want to pretend to be in love. At least it's not my intention, and I'm completely aware of that.
I want to fall hard for someone. I want to get my heart touched by someony so deeply I feel somehow disgusted and joyful at the same time. I want my heart to be treated like a precious jewl and the most disgusting piece of rubish, all at once. Becuase that's what love is, isn't it?
I want someone to touch.
I want someone to kiss.
I want someone to remember.
I want someone to be incredibly proud about.
I want someone to understand, to listen to.
I want someone to make me feel more human.
I want someone to be human with.
I want someone to show me the dark side.
I want someone to learn from.
I want someone to fight with against the world.
I want someone to caress.
I want someone to look to and be impressed.
I want someone to know.
I want someone to feel.
I want someone to give parts of me I would never give to anyone else.
I want to fall. In love. Hard.
So, please. Can you please, at least, tell me where to find you? Where to look for you? Where are you hiding? Where are you?
Just, please, tell me.
When is it going to be?
Where?
How?
Who?
Just help me a little and come find me.
I'm here, waiting to get you sign.
So, love, show me. Smile at me, life.
Let's make it good, hard, intense and unforgettable.
Let's burn our memories with the image of you and me.
Let's run away. Show me you care.
But, love, please... Come around.